Learning that your partner is kinky isn’t always an easy or comfortable situation to find yourself in. Particularly, if you’re not kinky yourself or if your kinks don’t line up. But, as society becomes more accepting of kinks and fetishes, the more often we’ll find ourselves in this type of position.
And, even if it isn’t easy or comfortable, it can be a good thing. It can be an opportunity to know your partner better, to know yourself better, and to know more about the vast array of options available for you both to explore together. If I had only one piece of advice to give, it’s this: Take your time to think about it; simply because you’ve never thought about it before doesn’t mean there’s nothing to think about. Learning about kinks and fetishes, particularly with a person you care about, can change your perspective and expand your horizons in ways you don’t expect, however it turns out in the end.
And, remember, you’re not alone in this. As awkward and uncomfortable as you might feel in this moment, you are not alone. Your partner is opening up to you, is laying something intimate and vulnerable about themselves bare before you. That is rarely comfortable. It’s often really hard for people with fetishes and kinks to confess to our desires. Because, more often than not, we’ve been told by the rest of the world that our desires are wrong. That having them makes us crazy. That we are unloveable because we have these desires. And, in the same way it does to other people in the LGBTQIA+ community, that can do incredible damage to kinksters.
Added to that, for a lot of people whose kinks are important parts of our identities and lives, we’re often in a no-win situation when it comes to this facet of dating. If we wait to bring it up until we know each other better, we’re accused of trying to trick people or hide parts of ourselves that other people had a right to know before they got invested. And, if we state it upfront or talk about it too soon, then we’re accused of being creepily too forward or shoving our kinks in people’s faces. Either way, often, we’re the bad guy. There seems no set perfect time or way to have this very necessary discussion; we’re just trying to not screw it up too badly.
Often, upon hearing confessions like this, many vanilla partners are concerned about the health and state of mind of kinksters. I understand why that is. For a very long time, society thought having non-normative fantasies, kinks, or fetishes were signs of dysfunction or instability. That they were unhealthy manifestations or projections of past trauma or bad brain wiring.
But the fact is there’s no scientific basis behind that thought. There’s no statistical data that backs that belief up. Science actually doesn’t really know where fantasies, fetishes, or kinks come from. And we haven’t found good, reproducible ways to study them. After all, as Dan Savage often says, ask a kinkster who’s into spanking why they’re into spanking and they are as likely to tell you that they were spanked as a child as they are to tell you that they never were, and that’s the reason why they have their fetish.
It’s true that some of us, like myself, were abused as children, but not all of us were. And not every child who was abused, like my sibling, is kinky. The fact of the matter is we don’t know why one person responds sexually to a specific stimuli and another doesn’t. We just know that they do. And trying to figure out exactly why one person becomes a furry because they saw a Disney film as a child, or they decided to explore bondage because they read a culturally significant if factually dubious novel, and another didn’t, while intellectually interesting, isn’t psychologically or philosophically significant. Because I firmly believe that being kinky is something innate, that it is either something you already have within you or you don’t, and trying to pinpoint where it all manifested will not hasten it or stop it from happening. And, personally, I find the how’s of it all far more interesting than the when’s. Its affect on people’s lives is far more interesting to me than its often indeterminable origins.
The fact is there have been a slew of studies that show kinky people are psychologically healthier and sexually happier than vanilla people. If you look into kink culture, it’s not hard to see why that is. Because, as a subculture, consent, communication, and safety are always held up as the tenets of our world. To be in a happy and healthy place with kink, you necessarily have to go through the self-reflection and community-built processing—be it through joining kink groups or engaging in mentoring relationships or learning through books—to learn how to safely, sanely, and consensually do what we do.
If one wanted to speculate, it likely involves ways of thinking and how one sees the world more than anything. It’s why, if you ever go to a kinky event or go on FetLife, you’ll notice that kinky people tend to be geeky people. People who naturally see the world a little differently. Who see possibilities in things that other people don’t. Whose imaginations wonder and linger on things others don’t. If I had to pick one common attribute that all kinksters possess, cross fetishes and kinks and communities, that type of outlying creativity—not past trauma or incident—would be it.
So, if a partner confesses a deeply held desire to you, please be kind. If it’s your thing, if it’s not your thing, be kind. They are still the partner you care about. They still possess all the attributes and qualities that you found attractive before. Nothing about them has changed, except you now know one more aspect of what makes them the wonderful partner you cared about in the first place.
What I would recommend, if you find yourself in this kind of situation, is to step back. Ask for time from your partner to process this information. Don’t make judgements. Don’t form opinions. Take some time.
Then take that time to research. Find all the research you can. Positions that are pro- that kink or fetish and position that are con- that kink or fetish. Find stories from actual real-life kinksters who have that kink and have incorporated it into their lives in healthy and successful ways. Realize that, while kink and fetishes are not necessarily the norm, they are normal. They are statistically common and, on average, add to the quality of people’s lives, not the reverse.
Then, after you’ve looked at all the sides, talk to your partner. Figure out exactly what their particular desire is. Because no kinkster is the same. Just like vanilla people, we all express our love and affection and desire in unique ways. One person’s foot fetish may look completely different than another’s. And how they may want you to participate in that fetish may be—is very likely—completely different than what you’re imagining. So talk. Ask questions. Learn about your partner’s desires from the absolute best expert on it: your partner.
Then, armed with all the information possible—and only then—form an opinion. Decide if this is something you can do with your partner. If being with them and finding new and often exciting ways to please each other is something you’re willing to do. If that’s a journey you’re willing to go on with them. Decide if there are new and exciting things you want to do with your partner that maybe you’ve been afraid to confess.
And, if, after all that thought, you realize it’s just not something you think you can do, that’s okay too. You are allowed to want what you want and to not want what you don’t. But, please, don’t treat your partner like they’re broken or wrong or messed up. They just like something you don’t. You wouldn’t treat them like a monster because they liked horror movies or spicy food or golf when you don’t, would you? You’d simply understand that people and their tastes are different. And that’s okay.
And, yes, sometimes that difference can make or break relationships. Being able to share their desire with their partner may be a deal breaker for them; it may not be. You might be able to find other ways for them to indulge in their desire that doesn’t involve you or minimizes your involvement (eg. allowing a partner with a foot fetish to massage your feet or allowing a partner who’s into BDSM to attend kink events without you).
Being with a kinky person tends to mean that you’re with a partner who innately thinks outside of the box. Who is creative and intelligent. Talk to them. Work with them. Find solutions with them. Kink is an adventure; only you can decide how much fun you want to have with it.
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